Last night I lay awake and in the early hours started a conversation with myself. Not sure where it came from or why it couldn’t wait for a more civilised hour, but I’ve been feeling a tad ‘out of sorts’ the last few days and I think I needed to give myself a good talking to. This is usually when I just want to run away and live in a log cabin half way up a mountain in Canada. What good this would do me and what sanctuary awaits in said log cabin I’ve no idea but it’s my ‘run to’ place in times of crisis.
‘When did it all go pear shaped’ was the topic up for discussion. I’m so frustrated because I don’t know what I’m supposed to be doing. I don’t ever seem to have a plan, I just drift. Helpful souls are asking me what I want – I DON’T KNOW WHAT I WANT!! How can I get to my age and not know what I want. Perhaps I’ve always been like this although I know it’s not so..
So back to my sleepless night and trying to figure out where this was all stemming from. Although this is going to sound like I’m blaming the World and it’s grandmother I do realise that it’s my fault, I let people do what they did and had I just told them to bugger off then I could have been on my merry way living the dream. So here’s what I came up with at 2am, I decided that at age 25 was where it started to crumble and I should have done the following –
- Ignored everyone who dashed my dreams, realised they were afraid to go for their’s and I shouldn’t have let them hold me back
- Pointed out I’m not Mother Teresa and under no obligation to put up with their crap, bail them out of debt or help to ‘save’ their sorry souls
- Travel, travel, travel!! I had a wish list of places and I should have escaped and had fabulous adventures
- Loosened up – life is not that serious dude!
- Stopped dressing like my Mother. What was I thinking!! I dressed way too old and should have thrown all my clothes out and skipped naked down the street
- Taken the job in Canada. I could now be in my log cabin half way up a mountain
- Realised I’m not weird. There were plenty of us out there hiding at home in our bedrooms with a copy of Cosmopolitan and Bon Jovi blasting out
- Run fast and run far from the psycho, do not marry him – ah too late, I married him.. well that’s all hope lost for the next 15 years
- Not been afraid to fail, not given a rat’s arse what anyone else thought
- Been more interesting and interested. Paid attention, listened, shared, played, been creative, made things, broken things, taken up a cause, danced down the beach in Rio
- Spoken up more, been heard, stood up for myself
- Walked away sooner from emotional vampires
- Eaten my veg!!
- Eaten more cake – I really miss cake!
At 25 is when I just gave up trying to be myself, it was easier to be quiet and put up least resistance.
I still don’t know what I want, but I know why I ended up in this mess..